God and Nostalgia
A short essay exploring this weighty feeling
What truly is nostalgia? Is it simply a yearning to return to a bygone era, a past which we, as children, had little to no responsibilities or adult worries? Is the past special because of how connected we used to be in the absence of modern technology, compelling us to be more present with others? Perhaps there is something more profound to this feeling.
At the age of 33, I fear I may be on the brink of an early mid-life crisis. A lot of tragedy has occurred since 2020, enough to completely uproot the modicum of success and progress I was achieving in all areas of my life. My job replaced me and robbed me of my independence, with zero available opportunities. The love of my life was taken by cancer in a wave of death that consumed many loved ones. There was no peace over my future, only in the distractions of the present and dwelling of the past.
To this day I yearn to return to the past life I had before 2020. I miss the old days of the internet when everyone had a voice and entertainment was made with sincerity. I envy my younger self who held joy when Christmas came along. Nowadays I often forget when my birthday is. Lying in bed, I was inspired to ponder upon these feelings in a season of depression. Why am I really so attached to the past and unable to move forward in my future?
We were birthed with a level of innocence that we carried throughout our youth, no need to worry about survival, politics, or the state of the world. We were allowed to fully embrace the world we were brought into; memories implanted into us that will remain until our passing days. The impression of childhood is a powerful tool, perhaps a source of this powerful drug we call “nostalgia.” Perhaps, that complex system we were all born with was a gift that we were blessed with by the Lord Almighty.
What if, as we were younger, we were much closer to God?
Many of us may not have known him. Heck, it wasn’t until 2022 when I came to Jesus. Perhaps through our youth, the further back we go, our presence with God was felt with hidden strength. As time went by, and as we age, that special imprint of God on our spirits dwindled. Every year, and with every passing sin, we have strayed further from him. Even through repentance and through the blood of Christ, many of us still are absent of this feeling. We are still stuck with our own worries and fears (even though the Bible tells us to “fear not” many, many times.)
We lost that special essence that derives from nostalgia. Nothing feels special. Nothing feels joy, not in the same way we experienced in our past. As many of us have grown into our adult years, we feel like hell has come and we’re living in it. Not even the sky, the grass, and the leaves look right – as if they lost their color. Is there a way to bring this spirit back into our exhausted lives of rigorous work and worry?
I honestly don’t know. In one part, we knew very little. In another part, our needs were taken care of by our parents. Needless to say, I do not speak for everyone. I’m sure many of you reading this had at least a less ideal childhood to cling comfort into.
We live in dark times of grave uncertainty. The past is one of our powerful comfort places to turn to when we are stressed. Because of the strength of the presence of God in our early years, we have felt a strong attachment to this past. What happens when we pass our midway point in life and start crawling into our elder years? Will this grace of God come back to us like how he was there in our childhood? Is there some form of “inverse” of nostalgia, where we experience the same feelings of which, but instead guided towards the future? If so, is there a way to gleam this essence of hope?
Following the way of Jesus is difficult for many of us. The world has held us spiritually captivated. We face many fears, and we always strive to lean on ourselves because we rarely see what the Lord is doing for us. But during our childhood, we had so few worries.
Maybe that’s why nostalgia is so powerful.
It’s interesting you bring this up as another great writer mentioned the pull of nostalgia here (https://open.substack.com/pub/brianniemeier/p/why-im-done-with-the-90s-and-you?r=92l7b&utm_medium=ios). I think one’s childhood is usually a rosier picture unless there is abuse. But then once a person becomes a new creation then we forget all those times before that moment. As Paul writes, “Brothers, I do not consider that I have made it my own. But one thing I do: forgetting what lies behind and straining forward to what lies ahead, I press on toward the goal for the prize of the upward call of God in Christ Jesus.” (Phil 3:13-14).